I’ve been thinking about all the unfinished business there is when somebody dies suddenly. There are the things that you planned to do together that you’ll never do, there are the possessions loaned or given that sit in both your homes, there are the conversations that you wanted to have but never got the chance and the conversations that you want to have now and never will get the chance. There are things in the post between you, unanswered emails, un-viewed links, un-lent books and articles, un-shared music, un-told stories. There are the presumptions that you’d made, the things you were sure you’d witness, the things you were bound to help each other with. There are the old resentments you never aired and new one’s about them leaving so suddenly.
I watched The Damned United on my own on the night of your funeral, it was great, I kept turning to the sofa to tell you what I thought, it was supposed to be for us to watch. I came out of an interview and thought ‘that was insane, I’ll phone Tim, he’ll find it hilarious’, I’d stood on the same spot and spoke to you a while back, this time I just imagined the conversation. I’ve been imagining a lot of conversations between us lately, I wonder what you’d make of things, football results, news, some strange goings on in my life. I still haven’t told Ricky that you’re dead, I don’t know why, I should do that soon. I left a message with a stranger to tell Ivan which felt wrong but I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve got no one to text when Brentford score and no one texting me to watch Benefit Busters on ITV or Banged Up Abroad on C4. You’ve still got my spare keys.